THE COAST MATCH MAKER: RSVP ASAP

Q: I’ve got something for you Match Maker… I feel like Sheldon Cooper sometimes, from Big Bang Theory. Apparently I really don’t understand social interactions. I just have no idea why a girl would be so enthusiastic to see me one day, then not even make eye contact when we pass on the street later. I’m not invisible, because that would be really cool, and I wouldn’t be writing you (who wouldn’t date someone who could turn invisible?)

Say I was approached by someone, and they were delighted to see me, even going so far as to give me multiple hugs before they left, then forcing me to promise to contact them… but that’s the last I ever hear from them. This happens literally all the time. Every time. With old friends, new friends, girlfriends… pretty much everyone except my mother.

I’m pleasant to be around, non-judgmental,  funny, and my close friends like me and value my advice. I know I’m not over-bearing or needy, not awkward (I think), and not a jerk or shy. Why is it that no one wants to take the time to get to know me? Are people in this city really that flakey and superficial? My friends are just as baffled as me as to why people don’t show me even the simple respect of responding. Please help restore my faith in the city of Halifax.

A: Here’s what I’ve learned about Halifax (though it could easily extend to just about anywhere in the world shy of those mysterious North Pole valleys, where I’m sure, only good things happen): people fucking suck. Big news flash right? But, here’s the part nobody seems to pick up on; they don’t really mean to. It’s just easier to be an asshole than to put yourself in the opposite position, to be hopeful, open, accepting. I don’t know how many times I’ve read a message somewhat like yours, someone reaching out, and I can’t help it, I’ll mark it with a star to come back to and promise myself, when I’m in the right mood, when I know just the right thing to say, when I can depend on myself to be brilliant, winning, interesting, I will write this person back. Of course, then 9 times out of 10 I never do. That has nothing to do with the person that wrote me but everything to do with my own neurosis. Sometimes, I just really fucking suck.

So, this is what you should take from that spiel, it’s not you. Or, at least, it’s not all you. I’d have to read several of these unanswered messages to determine it’s not in fact, you. I don’t know, maybe you end all your messages with an awkward joke or like to throw in some racist comments or pictures of your junk. I can almost guarantee this would not elicit your desired response. Or maybe you use too many emoticons (if you must, use only one classic smiley, one time), maybe you have the tendency to write long letters of future plans that might seem sweet to you but can come off as truly intimidating and a little creepy. Maybe you write incredibly boring generic shit that it’s painful to try to respond to. Maybe you ramble on and on about yourself and don’t leave room for it. This is probably not the case judging from your well written letter, but hey, you never know. Assuming you don’t commit any of the above crimes then the problem is very clearly them. People fucking suck.

Great! Thanks for the advice! People fucking suck, now what? You’re going to hate this part, but it’s my job to dole out the hard medicine: keep trying. It sounds stupid and obvious and a little frustrating, a little, “Seriously? You want me to what? Keep putting myself out there even though every time I do I get shot down? Isn’t that masochistic?” Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying because for every 20 people that really fucking suck there is one person, just like you, who doesn’t. There’s a person who reaches out, who organizes, who always follows through. They may be few and far between but they’re out there, getting taken advantage of by all of us shitty bailers, non-responders, forgetters, and eye-averters, just waiting. And you can bet that if you hang in there, keep reaching out, eventually you’ll connect with someone just like you. The words will come easy, it will be hard not to talk, and when that happens, you’ll be glad you did.

And of course, if all else fails, you can always get a cat.

Good luck and happy matching! —The Match Maker